The Dark Side (Part Two of “Expecting Twins”)

Posted by in Diary | 2 comments

Despite the encouraging support of my husband, family and close friends, I could not accept how much my life was going to change with the news of expecting twins.

Not only was I as sick as a dying dog, but I was also sick of hearing, “This is a blessing.”, “If there is anyone who can do this, it’s you!”, oh and my favorite…“The Lord only gives you as much as you can bear.” That one really pissed me off. I don’t want to go through life “bearing”. As these words would flow from their mouth, all I could picture was the Greek tragedy “Atlas”. Just because I have the ability to carry the world on my shoulders doesn’t mean I want to. And that was exactly my issue. I didn’t WANT to have twins. I didn’t WANT the responsibility of nursing and raising two children at the same time. I couldn’t wrap my head around the amount of work my husband and I were in store for.  I questioned whether we were built for this. Hell, after 5-months of having S Dot my husband and I were already toying with the idea of divorce (sleep deprivation is a b@#$%).

This news had me reeling. Every time I looked at my son I’d burst into tears. I felt that I was crowding him out. How could I possibly give S Dot the attention and love he deserves when I am struggling to get both of my breast nipples into the mouth of two babies, and this is after being up for 72-hours straight with nothing to eat but a handful of Special K cereal. And let’s not talk about MONEY! How were we going to afford three f@#%ing children. I apologize for cursing, but I was angry.

Our intention was to have a second child, move to a slightly larger home and live happily ever after. Didn’t God get my memo?ancient-roman-gods-5

All my life I have been criticized for being too much of a planner, now people were using the trait they once chastised me about as a great reason for me to now be “blessed” with multiples. “Oh, you’re going to be great with twins because the key is scheduling.” I wanted to say, “Screw you, the key is not losing my damn mind and jumping off a bridge!”

The doubt in my head and the fear in my heart was overpowering me. The more depressed I became the more guilty “some” made me feel. I didn’t appreciate how casually people were treating my feelings.  I’ve always believed you shouldn’t argue with a crazy person, because you’ll lose. But no one seemed to realize how dark and crazy I had become–except for my husband. He was the most caring, sensitive and understanding man a woman could ask for. He didn’t speak of the pregnancy because he knew it would set me off. He took over most of the responsibilities with S Dot because I was physically too ill to move. I only did three things; go to work, come home and get in the bed. He hid the ultrasound pictures because he knew the sight of our reality was too much for me to process. He comforted me when I would randomly burst into hysterical tears. And, he sat silently the night I came home and asked him, “Would you be able to forgive me if I decided to terminate this pregnancy?”

<record scratch> Yup, that’s what I said.

Personally, all my life I’ve believed an abortion was never an option for me. My conscious faith wouldn’t allow it. But, here I was in my dark and twisty place, contemplating taking the life of two children because I thought I was only built to handle one. It was as difficult for me to say as it was for my husband to hear.

My diary entry is this, “When you look at the dark side, careful you must be…for the dark side looks back.”–Yoda

**For anyone who is offended by the personal thoughts shared in this post please refer to Diary Entry: So You Had A Bad Day?**

Part One

Come Again?! (Part One of Expecting A Baby)

Part Three

Boxing With God (Conclusion of “Expecting Twins”)

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2 Comments

  1. I can certainly understand and I’m praying for you. I don’t believe in abortion but when I was pregnant with my third child I was seriously contemplating it due to a whole bunch of issues that me and my then husband had. I understand how you feel. Whatever decision you make, May God bless you. You have to do what’s best for you and your family and leave the judging to God.

    • Thank you Janice.

      When I meet people, we will have a conversation, and I will share something that I am convinced they will never understand. I’m already prepared to explain myself and elaborate then before I can clarify the person looks at me as if they just found a “life-long friend” and they say, “Oh My God, I’ve battled those same feelings too.” or “I’ve been there!” That is why I created an online diary because people don’t talk about their honest thoughts, they talk about what they think others can relate too. Like you, I am not an advocate for abortions. The point of my post is that depending on your situation, circumstances or emotional stability, people would be amazed at the thoughts that can cross their mind.

      Janice, you are an amazing mother, and the way you talk about your children is hilarious. I can see the joy they bring to your life. Thank you for always speaking honestly and being so supportive.

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