I’m Always in My Way

Posted by in Diary | 2 comments

I’m what a “diplomatic person” calls a perfectionist and what a “person who loves me” calls a “f#$@king nut”. I want everything to be just right. And, guess how often that happens? Not often enough.

“It’s like Shawn knows…”

For example, I sat down this weekend with the intention to work on Mommy’s Open Diary during Shawn’s nap which of course he decided to wake up early (each time). It’s as if he knows that mommy has something that she wants to do while he is sleeping, so let’s have a massive poop and start shouting incoherently.Then, last night, after putting Shawn soundly to bed, I turned on the computer ready to take over the world one click at a time…and the computer crashed. WTF!!!! Nothing ever goes smoothly for me. After my husband finished the phone call with Apple Care (who didn’t help), he saw me with my head in my hand and I lost it!  “What am I going to do without a computer?… I don’t know what I’m doing!… I have to do posts for Facebook!… I have to send edits for the MOD video!… I have to make changes to this website!… Does this site even make sense?… Is it good?… Who am I to talk about parenting?… I know NOTHING!… Do you think I’ll offend someone?… I most definitely will offend someone!… What about Shawn?…What makes me think I have time for this?… What’s my point?… What’s my vision?… What’s the end goal?… photo(3)Do you think people like it?…Wait, where are you going?”

I started this site because I love talking about being a new parent, but then my ego masquerading as “perfection” begins to cloud my judgment. Sometimes, I need to take a “chill pill” and breathe it out. I have an awful habit of getting in my way. Do you remember when mother’s would say, “you’re too smart for your own good”?  Well, that is more true of me today than it was when I was younger. So many people around me are “progressing” and “doing things” that sometimes I think I have to follow a particular path—but, that is far from true.

My diary entry today is this, “I need to learn to bend, before I break. Life is going to do what it does, so if control is what I want, I can start with my attitude”.

PS. I guarantee, this little topic will rear its head again.

2 Comments

  1. I found myself looking for the “next page” button-wanting more to read; for some reason, I thought your post was going to end with a happier ending i.e. computer magically started working and a revelation of some sort…I’m just glad you blog and I find myself fascinated by your thoughts on parenting. I know, once I become a parent, I’ll have one of those moments where I say “ah-ha, MOD diary had a blog about this and I know what to expect/do” It will be one of those things that will creep into brain and I’ll be ready and laughing all at once wondering how that piece of knowledge got there. I look forward to more interesting reads, so keep blogging and I’ll be reading. And thanks 🙂

    • Nacola, I hate to sound corny, but the happy ending for me was reading your comment. I’m still speechless. As a matter of fact, I should sleep on my response to ensure I properly communicate how much it means that you even take the time to read my daily “blunderings”. But, as for the end of my blog…I am starting to learn how to make do with the hand I’m dealt rather than constantly banging my head against the wall. What’s that quote…something like “all things work for the greater good.”? We are all just trying to find the blessings through the headaches. PS. Take your time on the baby front…they’re beautiful madness wrapped in pretty swaddle– proceed with caution.;-) But, when the time comes, I have a great feeling you’re going to be phenomenal!

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