Come Again?! (Part One of “Expecting A Baby”)

Posted by in Diary | 12 comments

On March 18, 2013 my husband and I were beyond excited to attend our first ultrasound appointment. The thought that we were having another child was a little overwhelming but amazing at the same time. Now closer to 2 years old, we wanted S Dot to have a partner in crime. This crawling on the floor and being his main form of entertainment was becoming a bit much. Plus, I often tell people that I am not sure how I could have survived childhood without my little brother. After everything we had been through and witnessed while growing-up, it is great to have someone who you can talk trash to about your parents. And, knowing how crazy I am as a mother, S Dot is going to need to vent. Having a second child would save him money on therapy later.gynecology-stirrups

The doctor estimated that we were at 7 weeks/5 days. And now it was time for the big reveal. I laid back and she inserted the ultra-sound wand.

Side note:
We have all had sex before, right? We know the positions that are required, but everything changes when a woman has to go to the OBGYN. Okay, maybe it’s me, but it feels foreign, damn near indecent, to be asked to strip from your waist down, cover yourself in an over-sized paper towel and have your legs spread in a brightly lit sterile room. There is NOTHING sexy about the doctor’s office, nothing! When my husband is with me, I always tell him to close his eyes.

Him: I’ve seen you before. How do you think we got into this position?!
Me: <pause> Well, it was under better lighting and wine was involved.

I digress. I laid back and the doctor began the exam. For a second I couldn’t tell what was up or down on the screen. It looked like I was watching a sunny side-up egg come in and out of focus on the monitor. The doctor paused and asked if we saw what she did. We looked closely but nothing was clear. She said that what we were seeing are two heartbeats–“You’re having twins!” Instantly the room went pitch black as my eyelids closed feebly attempting to hold back the instant flood of hot tears. The sound of my heartbeat filled my ears. A sharp pain seared across my temples. I started hyperventilating. I felt my stomach lurch into a ball of knots. My world felt like it was crashing around me. In that second, the way I imagined my life unfolding, the plans I had made, all shattered like exploding picture frames. My husband saw my horror and tried to embrace me but the compression of the news made my body go rigid. The doctor scrambled to leave the room “to provide us a moment alone”, but looking back I feel a part of her was frightened by my reaction.

IMG_4136I let out a silent scream. I was inconsolable. After taking the pregnancy test a few weeks prior to our doctor’s visit, I had been feeling very sick and extremely tired. But I chalked it up as the normal side-effects of the first trimester–especially understanding that I had experienced extreme nausea and exhaustion for the first four months of my pregnancy with S Dot, but still something in my spirit told me that this was different. Though I was only a few weeks pregnant I felt as if I had been pregnant for months. I vomited constantly. I couldn’t go up a flight a steps without feeling the need to sleep for hours. My head throbbed and my body hurt. The pain was so awful there were times I thought about sticking a safety pin in my hand to distract my mind and direct the pain. Sounds crazy? Maybe, but I saw it in a movie…what can I say, I was desperate. Here’s how I would compare it. Have you ever read Twilight, if you haven’t *spoiler alert*! During Bella’s pregnancy in Breaking Dawn everything accelerated. The fetus grew over hours versus months and it was too much for Bella’s human body to bear. The baby was literally tearing her apart from the inside out. Now, I’m not saying that I felt as if I was giving life to a vampire, but it sure as hell felt like it. I was being drained and experiencing the worst symptoms of pregnancy in a rapid fire cocktail.breaking dawn book

As the news of the twins hit me, it was all starting to make sense, at the same time it didn’t. “What was happening to me? I didn’t want twins. I couldn’t handle twins.” It felt as if my uterus was being invaded. I was praying that the Lord blessed me with another beautiful baby boy and now I had been cursed with the crushing blow of bringing two children into the world. Yes, I said cursed. At the time, I did not feel that I was receiving a blessing. How could I raise three children? I wanted to give my second child everything I gave my first. I was going to give birth naturally, breastfeed for at least 3-months and pump for at least a year. After having S Dot, I felt that I was better prepared, and I was looking forward to enjoying every moment of my second pregnancy; show off my baby bump and relish in my last pregnancy. Now I felt that it was all being stripped from me. Not to mention that my husband and I were in the middle of selling our home and looking for a house for our “soon-to-be” family of four. Now I’m being told there will be five of us. As I cried in my husband’s arms, I felt a shift in my being. I wasn’t the same person who had walked through the doctor’s door an hour ago. And the weeks that followed, showed me the true depths of my dark mind.

My diary entry is this, “WTF!”

**For anyone who is offended by the personal thoughts shared in this post please refer to Diary Entry: So You Had A Bad Day?**

Part 2

The Dark Side (Part Two of “Expecting Twins”)

Part 3

Boxing With God (Conclusion of “Expecting Twins”)

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12 Comments

  1. I literally almost cried when I read your post. That was my fear when I went to the doctor for the second time. God will see you through and has a plan. I don’t wanna start nothing but you said we can be honest here and I hope this isn’t taken as judgemental…I hate when people say that those that can have babies should be grateful because some women can’t. While that is true I feel like bringing that up to someone who is going through struggles as a mother diminishes what they are feeling. Yes we are blessed and highly favored but NOTHING prepares you for all of this mommyhood stuff and some days it’s hard out here for a mommy that just wants to sit down and chill for a minute. I remember the pain of being pregnant and one of the reasons I don’t want to have any more than my two is because of how much it hurt. I wanted to scream when someone would say that there are people that want to have kids but can’t because some days I did feel like a baby was ripping me apart from the inside while I drove to work in my car throwing up in a can or water bottle. So I call on the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost to get you through. DWB you can do it! One day at a time. And when you feel low one day remember tomorrow is a new day and you can try again.

    • MJ you can always be honest here. Too often people try to be “diplomatic” with expressing their feelings but sometimes you just have to make it plain. Bringing life into the world is not for the faint of heart especially if your intentions are to do it well. Yes, it’s beautiful, it’s rewarding…but it’s also tiring and comes with a level of frustration that “at times” can be unmeasurable. I never want anyone to feel the need to sugarcoat it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just want a place where I can get my feeling out of my head and my heart and hopefully help someone else realize “you ain’t the only one” :-)!!!

  2. Congratulations!! Girl, I understand how you feel somewhat. I felt some of what you’re feeling when I was pregnant for the second time. Understand that you will never be prepared for a new child, let alone two at the same time! It’s ok to feel how you do and Don’t worry about those who may pass judgement about your perceived “wrong” emotions. Motherhood is so Damn hard at times I feel like running away:) But then you realize you are blessed beyond measure! God will never give you a burden you could not bear!! And He knows how to pick em!:) You have a wonderful husband and support system! You ate not alone and everything will fall into place! Get in touch with Zenobia! She can definitely offer some insight!:) Pray for peace and relax! You are a great mom and will continue to be! Face the challenges and own them!! Love you!

    • Thank you Wendy. This experience has helped me put down that burden of constantly explaining myself…instead I’ve been having some REAL conversations with God. Thank you so much for your advice and support.

  3. Congratulations. As a mommy to identical twins that are nine years younger than my oldest I know the overwhelming feeling of being in transition and being told that not only are you pregnant but that you’re pregnant with twins.

    Fast forward to six years later I wouldn’t want it any other way. I found caring my twins lot easier than caring for my oldest daughter when she was a baby. The twins really soothe and care for each other. They’re ability to care for each other is absolutely amazing and beautiful.

    God trusts you with not only one of His angels but two. He only gives to you what He knows that you can handle. Enjoy your pregnancy. Not too many mommys experience the joy of growing two or more babies at one time.

    • Mesha. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I need all the insight I can get, especially from parents of multiples. This is a whole new world for us. I have to say that hearing about the difference in caring for your oldest versus your twins is very comforting. Thank you again for sharing.

  4. Your posts often make my mouth drop! I didn’t see the word “twins” coming! Hope you are handling it well now. You will be an excellent mother of 3…in the very least you will keep them laughing 🙂

    • Zarinah sometimes I laugh to keep from bawling! I am sure I am going to have your mouth dropping for a long time to come–especially when you read what came next. Thank you for supporting my diary!

  5. OMG!!! Girl…….OMG!!! Congrats!!!???!!! God Bless You. Lord Jesus. Love you

    • MJ,
      I love the fact that you called on God and Jesus! Thank you so much for the support 🙂

  6. Congrats, Hun!!! I know you’re going through it, but I just want to send a smile your way. Twins!!!! That’s awesome (coming from someone who has no clue). LOL. I’m just excited for you and your growing family. I know you probably already know this, but there are plenty of women who would love to one day be blessed with a fruitful womb. I know you see this as a blessing but just can’t quite get over the shock and WTH factor. SMILE 🙂

    • Thank you Nacola. By time you decide that you are ready I should have plenty of insight to share with you. “Fruitful womb”…that’s funny. When I first heard this news, me and my “fruitful womb” were not on speaking terms. But, I am better than I was. Though early on I was definitely in a bad place. Thank you for the support and kind words.

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