Boxing With God (Conclusion of “Expecting Twins”)

Posted by in Diary | 8 comments

Once I had spoken the word “abortion” to my husband, it was as if the effect echoed throughout the house. For weeks it had been a thought that crawled through my mind, lurking in the shadows of my over-sized doubt, fear and insecurities. Like a fly, I tried to swat it away and ignore it’s presence but it was relentless.

Ironically, though it was difficult to say out loud, I felt a sense of relief in releasing it. It forced me to face it.

Looking into my husband’s eyes I could see his inner struggle. He told me that ultimately this is my body and my decision, but he honestly felt that God would provide.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Over that time we have weathered many storms, and came out the other side “a little battle weary” but stronger nonetheless. It has actually become our mantra, as a couple “we handle our business”. My husband looked at the news of the twins as another testament of our strength.

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Me at 4-months with twins

For the next week I went through my days on “auto-pilot”. I have an uncanny ability of shutting down my emotions but still being able to engage people. I’m not saying it with pride, it just is what it is. I actually got this trait from my mother. When I was very young she would tell me,”The world doesn’t need to know your business. When you enter a room you tell yourself “It’s Showtime!”–leaving those around you none the wiser.” And, that is what I did. I went to work, led meetings, did presentations, attended evening events, and then I would come home and go silent. Those closest to me told me to pray, but it is hard to confide in someone that you are mad with. Yes, I was mad at God. I was angry and frustrated. And one night I exploded, I went off! I cursed and screamed and cried, and after falling to sleep with swollen eyes, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and I remembered a Def Poet who wrote a poem about “Boxing With God”…it told the story of a physical battle a man had with God, attacking God for all the unfairness in his life and the world. After 12 gruesome rounds, the man had landed many heavy blows upon God, but God didn’t seem affected. At the end of the fight God gave the tired man a mirror and through swollen eyes the man saw that it was “he” who was bloody and bruised. He had been fighting himself all along because God was within him.boxing-gloves

At that moment, I decided to shake the darkness and treat the news of having twins as a “gift” versus a “curse”.

I can’t imagine my life without S Dot, but yet there was a time I would cringe at the mere mention of having children. Now look at me. I would give my life without a moments thought to save and protect my son. I realized I had to have enough faith to know that God would not leave me now, and that I had the strength within me to handle this.

Just last week, I was in the shower, and I heard one of my favorite songs, “To Zion”, by the phenomenally gifted Lauryn Hill. I sung along smiling, holding my now protruding belly, crying uncontrollably. In my spirit I felt God speaking to me, “Gurl, you’ve got this, because I’ve got you.”

My diary entry is this…

“Unsure of what the balance held
I touched my belly overwhelmed
By what I had been chosen to perform
But then an angel came one day
Told me to kneel down and pray
For unto me a man child would be born
Woe this crazy circumstance
I knew his life deserved a chance
But everybody told me to be smart
Look at your career they said,
“Lauryn, baby use your head”
But instead I chose to use my heart

Now the joy of my world is in Zion”

Part One

Come Again?! (Part One of Expecting A Baby)

Part Two

The Dark Side (Part Two of “Expecting Twins”)

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8 Comments

  1. I really appreciate this entrance it speaks volumes to the situation I had with my last son….I appreciate you for sharing this it makes me feel good to know that I’m not alone in my feelings both positive and negative.

    • Thank you so much for commenting Shanika. It means more than you know. When it comes to parenting, Lord knows it’s not easy, but I try not to think too far ahead because that’s when it get’s overwhelming. Step by step…day by day…the joy is in the journey!

  2. I TOTALLY get your last few entries. Your thoughts are completely normal of any good parent. Most people think what you said out loud when giving a trial/test. Great for you for being honest. I use to think I needed to keep my honesty to myself because I would get shocking stares when I spoke honestly. Now, I could care less what people say. It takes too much work to pretend; I like being me (honest ). You are not judged.
    PS
    You are going to be triumphant!!! You’ll see.:)

    • Thank you Donna. I have noticed (like you) that I am becoming a little more free in my personal thoughts. My goal is to never intentionally offend someone, but I am no longer content with knowing that I held back only because I was “afraid” of someone’s reaction. My father calls it a “gracious don’t give a damn attitude”–that’s what I’m striving for.

      Your support means a great deal to me and my family. Thank you for being there and listening.

  3. Congrats!! So glad the showdown is over. I commend your honesty. Praying you and your husband have a set of happy, healthy babies.

    • Thank you Emily. What a show down it has been, thank you for your prayers and support. I will keep you updated!

  4. Awesome! Congrats!!! Three sets of twins from Kiyama.

    • MJ, Seriously! We sure are cracking them out! 🙂

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